Forecasting 2007: name changes, barbecues, better transportation

by David Shorr

December 30,2006

This is one of my favorite times of the year. I love the excitement and the numerous holiday parties.

I also like the optimism that the start of a new year brings and the speculation about success over cynicism.

So put on your Carnac the Magnificent hat, rustle up a seat next to the old crystal ball, and here's a few things that I anticipate for the new year. Some will be truly legitimate, and others will come from the bizarre mind of Dave. Oh, the world is spinning and …

I see … a name change. Could it be a switch from the Columbia Regional Airport to Mid-Missouri Regional Airport? Could it be a switch from University of Missouri-Columbia to the University of Missouri? Could it be a switch from Youzeum to … anything else?

I see … The Hearnes Center as a pile of rubble and a new energy-efficient mini-Mizzou arena as a customized home for our nationally ranked wrestling, volleyball and gymnastic teams. Also, there will be two sheets of gloriously bright ice facing Stadium Boulevard for teams from Hickman and Rockbridge and Club Hockey from MU. There are glorious figure skaters without black rings under their eyes from getting up at 4 a.m. prior to school to travel to St. Louis or Jefferson City for training.

I see … Jefferson City and Columbia realizing that cities with great state capitals and great state universities have the greatest potential. To achieve that potential, they create the Mid-Missouri Transportation Authority. With great foresight and vision, they dedicate themselves to a single airport with daily round-trip service, at appropriate times, to Washington, D.C.—so that our two state senators can fly directly to use their one earmark for a light rail system between the two Missouri centers of education and government.

I see … Boone Hospital Center, but nothing seems very clear.

I see … a new high school designed to achieve the highest energy standards using the latest green materials and designs to reduce costs and provide us with pride. The unique architectural building will lead us to name the team "The Greenies," and their team colors will be mandated to be dull earth tones. The mascot will be the naked mole rat from the hit show Kimpossible. Shouldn't all our mascots be pink and scantily clad?

I see … the FBI raiding another home in the Pines Subdivision and finding Osama Bin Laden. I see the Interfaith Council holding a vigil claiming that the FBI improperly investigated this man and that the raid is only a demonstration of profiling and cultural harassment. Maybe he bought his cell phone himself on his last visit.

I see … a lawsuit against the State of Missouri and the USEPA for the death of three kayakers on the Missouri River because the river was designated for whole-body contact recreation by the state and fed, yet no fool should be on it. The victims' parents claim the designation authorized recreational activity.

I see … the Barbeque and Blues Festival hosted by Boone County National Bank on a warm Missouri summer evening making finger-licking and guitar picking—even at the same time—publicly acceptable for a brief period each year. However, the barbeque smoke will violate a new smoking ordinance passed by the next Columbia City Council that prohibits any smoke, anywhere, of any kind, due to the impact on children, global warming, body odor, pimples and other health-related issues. The Columbia Police Department will refuse to enforce the ordinance at this event, saying barbeque is more important. The new Trans-Fat Posse, however, is out in full force with its trans-fat light sabers, stopping at each vendor to check for Crisco Oil or Twinkies. Snow plow drivers practicing for next year's snow storm also stop by, reminding everyone that the streets are now clear.

Some of these prediction may actually come true. Remember that in every joke, there is an element of truth. In any event, have an excellent Rama-Hana-Kwans-Mas and a great New Year!

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